how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
