No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
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