I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
