happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
