I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
