To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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