I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
