also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
