I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
