I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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