I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
