I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
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