My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
