She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
