Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
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