With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
