Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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