I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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