K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
