she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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