whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
