Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
