why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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