i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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