Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
