I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
