dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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