Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
