so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
