So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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