seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
