Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
