Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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