For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
My day in three words: secret purse cake
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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