There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
My ass is underappreciated
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
