Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
