Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
