Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
