Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I AM VODKA MAN
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
