i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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