I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
