I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
