and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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