youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
