he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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