I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
