closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
