2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
