Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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