I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
